Why is my daughter so angry with me
My 10 year old seems angry all the time. What can I do?
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you mentioned that you have a
ten-year-old girl who just seems angry
all the time and you feel like you need
to walk on eggshells around her and
you're wondering if this is normal or
not and it is definitely normal for a
ten-year-old to experience anger they
just may not know how to deal with that
emotion properly and sometimes because
they don't know how to deal with it they
act out so if it's not affecting family
relationships or friendships or their
ability to perform at school then it may
just require a little bit of coaching at
home and maybe some changes in in
parenting style and this may affect a
positive change but if it's affecting
relationships or her ability to perform
at school then there may be a deeper
issue there there are some things to
consider some possible underlying causes
that you might be able to modify if a
child is over exposed to media or to
screen time and electronics it makes
them more angry and so if your child is
using these things a lot then I would
scale back on that and you're going to
get resistance in the beginning that
goes without saying
it'll probably get worse before it gets
better but it's important to control
screen time and to make sure that your
child is participating in other
activities and being active and
socializing with people face-to-face
having time with friends these are all
really important things because if
they're isolated and just on electronics
all the time it's going to affect their
cognitive and social development I also
suggest just sitting down with her and
talking with her on a daily basis maybe
it's not going to be about her anger
issues per se maybe in the beginning it
can just be more about forming a
connection with her on a daily basis and
trying to pull positive positivity out
of her rather than harping on her about
negative all the time because sometimes
we as parents we tend to see a
concerning behavior and only talk about
that and shine light on that instead of
shining light on the child's positive
behaviors and positive reinforcement
will do wonders there's an old saying
that if you treat someone the way you
want them to be they will rise to the
occasion and so as parents that's always
a good reminder myself included to use
positive reinforcement to
out things that you notice her doing
that are good other forms of positive
reinforcement might include like a point
or token system you can talk about your
expectations with her and spell it out
very clearly what you expect and what
the consequences are going to be if she
doesn't meet those expectations make
them natural consequences and make them
fit the offense meaning if it's a mild
offense it should be a mild consequence
if it's a severe offense it should be a
more severe consequence and the
consequences that are going to be mild
moderate and severe can only be
determined by you because you know
what's going to affect her most for
example taking away a child's screen
time could be the most severe
consequence for a choice but it may also
be a necessary thing again if you're
feel like your child's over exposed to
social media and to electronics so in
that sense you wouldn't want to use it
as a consequence it would be an
expectation so hopefully that helps you
see the difference as part of this token
reward system you can set up like a
point system so for certain behaviors
there aren't just negative consequences
there's positive consequences and once
she earns a certain number of tokens or
points so she can train it in for
certain rewards that are good motivation
for her and sometimes this just has to
be used in the short term in order to
change the child's behavior until it
becomes something that they do daily not
something they have to think so much
about another thing to consider is your
parenting style and that of your
partners if dad's also at home because
as children often model our behavior and
if aggression or anger is modeled
frequently in the home by parents then
children are going to adopt that
behavior and so if we use soft tones and
kind words and if we're level-headed and
tried to be proactive instead of
reactive in situations then our children
are more likely to do the same and it
sounds kind of obvious but another
suggestion I have for you is just to sit
down with her and talk to her about
issues that she might be facing or
thinking about maybe she's having issues
at school that you weren't aware of or
having issues with friends so
feeling a little neglected at home
whatever the case may be if you can talk
to her about what she's experiencing
then maybe there's things that you can
address and help her cope with you can
give her proper coping strategies give
her problem-solving skills so that she
can work through it on her own rather
than just acting out in anger or by
being aggressive when she doesn't get
what she wants or experiences these
emotions that she doesn't quite know how
to deal with it's also really important
for your partner or her father if he's
involved to be on the same page about
discipline and so going back to square
one I suggest talking with them about
that if they're involved getting on the
same page developing a game plan talking
with her about it and making sure that
you're both consistent at all times and
in all situations because kids are
really good at honing in on our
inconsistencies and when we're not
consistent in how we discipline our
children they take advantage of that and
it rarely changes behavior when we're
inconsistent in our discipline if you've
tried all of these things that it
doesn't seem to be making a difference
then I suggest talking with your
pediatrician about it sometimes there
are issues that run even deeper than
these that I've discussed today and the
pediatrician can determine if further
investigation or intervention is
warranted sometimes that comes in the
form of medication and/or therapy and
they can give you additional suggestions
on how to coach her and help her manage
her anger good luck with it and if you
have more questions in the future for me
feel free to ask them on our Facebook
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